Like a stupid idiot, I once thought that I could make it as a journalist. Then, I thought I could make it in non-profits. Then, I thought I could make it as a photographer. Like an idiot, I once thought that I had potential, or talent. I once thought that if I honed and practiced them, that eventually it would lead somewhere.

I was wrong. I’ve always been wrong. There is no path forward for me. I surrender. Enough.

My education was wasted, and every ounce of hard work was an absolute joke. Every dream I’ve had has been an absolute joke, and a complete idiotic flop. The world is a cold and hard place and there is no room here for dreams or for beauty. Every hard lesson has been learned, once, twice, three times, over and over.

Every time I think I am getting somewhere, bam, it’s a dead end. You can only pick yourself up and dust yourself off so many times until hope vanishes… and that’s where I am. Completely and fully, hope has abandoned me.

At this point, you simply have no path forward but to just give up. To surrender. Whatever it was I wanted in this world, was not what the world wanted for me. So at this point, my hopes are no longer on the table. If other people think I can help them, fine. Sure. I’ll help them. But I’m so goddamn done with seeking and pushing and giving too much and going above and beyond, to turn around and find out that no one liked me in the first place. It always always goes the same way, where I do my very best and get my hopes up and think I’m doing well, and to then ultimately be discarded like a worthless used-up piece of fat smelly garbage.

Just stop. Just stop taking advantage of my optimistic, naive, idealism. I’ve had it. I’m past that. It’s not healthy, and it’s not right. I surrender.