writing

Continuing on

/ Justin Leverett / Leave a comment

Slowly, slowly, I have lately started to feel more comfortable and level-headed again following a pretty dark mourning period due to the recent job loss. I worked at my most recent job significantly longer than anywhere else I’ve ever worked, and truly enjoyed it, so the process of leaving has been a long difficult one, especially internally. These days I spend a great deal more time with the growing family and with focusing on interesting new experiences. The kids are the number one focus right now since they are in a developmental stage where they simply need a little more attention and care than a single person could provide; they need both their parents present now.

I have been working part time with a company that provides support to people with IDD (intellectual and developmental disabilities) and so far the work has been really good for me, and keeps me moving while I continue the hunt for longer-term work. I’ve tried to write more frequently, especially in my blogs including my music blog, but also in a personal journal, and wean myself away from social media to more productive ways of spending my time. I effectively quit Facebook and Threads through the month of April, and though I have slowly eased back in to re-sharing others’ stories on Instagram I probably won’t share my own photography there again for a little while.

I’ve also started writing poetry here and there and trying out other ways to keep being creative. There seems to be little time in each day… we are certainly keeping ourselves busy… but I consider my unemployment to be an opportunity to stretch, center myself, and re-focus as I find my new path forward.

Surrender

/ Justin Leverett / Leave a comment

Like a stupid idiot, I once thought that I could make it as a journalist. Then, I thought I could make it in non-profits. Then, I thought I could make it as a photographer. Like an idiot, I once thought that I had potential, or talent. I once thought that if I honed and practiced them, that eventually it would lead somewhere.

I was wrong. I’ve always been wrong. There is no path forward for me. I surrender. Enough.

My education was wasted, and every ounce of hard work was an absolute joke. Every dream I’ve had has been an absolute joke, and a complete idiotic flop. The world is a cold and hard place and there is no room here for dreams or for beauty. Every hard lesson has been learned, once, twice, three times, over and over.

Every time I think I am getting somewhere, bam, it’s a dead end. You can only pick yourself up and dust yourself off so many times until hope vanishes… and that’s where I am. Completely and fully, hope has abandoned me.

At this point, you simply have no path forward but to just give up. To surrender. Whatever it was I wanted in this world, was not what the world wanted for me. So at this point, my hopes are no longer on the table. If other people think I can help them, fine. Sure. I’ll help them. But I’m so goddamn done with seeking and pushing and giving too much and going above and beyond, to turn around and find out that no one liked me in the first place. It always always goes the same way, where I do my very best and get my hopes up and think I’m doing well, and to then ultimately be discarded like a worthless used-up piece of fat smelly garbage.

Just stop. Just stop taking advantage of my optimistic, naive, idealism. I’ve had it. I’m past that. It’s not healthy, and it’s not right. I surrender.

A trio of songs to seek meaning to

/ Justin Leverett / Leave a comment

I dearly enjoy those pieces of art that eschew any obvious meaning or message. The ones that leave me questioning, the ones whose dominant emotion is a vague but powerful feeling of thoughtfulness, heartache, or wonder. The ones with no simple logic, and certainly no clear-cut explanation.

Art seen near the Lloyd Center in Portland.

Art seen near the Lloyd Center this summer in Portland. “In the Tree Tops” by Margarita Leon.

They are few and far between, but I live for them when I do find them, and for me, it’s usually those very feelings of abstract questioning that make this frustrating venture of creation, writing, and self-expression worthwhile in the end. I know my regularity of writing has been flagging lately, so I thought I’d do something special this week, in part because I’ve been needing to write more, and in part because I’ll be attaching my name and portfolio in applications to various cool potential employers this week, and I’d like for them to see me with my best foot forward, if and when they decide by some twist of good fate to explore this portfolio.

So, starting tomorrow and continuing through Saturday, I’ll be posting selected new video reviews to my music blog that I’ll share at some time in the course of each day. I’ve selected videos with a consistent theme, videos that impart a certain feeling of abstraction, bewilderment, and hopefully wonder.

#1 “Champagne Coast” is funky and delightfully weird, like nothing I’ve seen!

#2 Breathless ’90s life filtered through cameras fuels Semisonic’s “Secret Smile”

#3 This surprise music video for “Ooo” is simple, sweet, uncomplicated, and pure

The reality is that many of us are facing very challenging times. I read so much in news and social media about the extremes of income inequality, the steep challenges of prevailing institutional prejudice and division, the seemingly insurmountable challenges awaiting us due to climate change, wars that seem ongoing, and a false economic recovery that I, at least, have not yet significantly benefited from. But through the hardest of times, I’ve always felt that my personal brand of enjoyment often springs from those rare slices of ingenuity, those examples everywhere of the persistently creative, thought-provoking, and often frustratingly meaningless pieces of written and visual self expression. It’s this indescribable joy persistence that I admire, this unflagging hope, this willingness to strive quietly in spite of it all that I try never to leave behind.

It’s those instances we manage to make the time, in spite of the ongoing bustle of life so culturally obsessed with working really really hard and still just barely paying the bills, to escape for a bit and see what beauty and fascination the world has to offer, that I personally feel most satisfied. Nearly always it’s a matter pushing ourselves, of finding comfort in that state of holy discomfort, as someone I know so poetically put it recently, that reaps the most rewards. And it’s a something that I find myself having to consistently recommit myself to, with mixed results. But learning is in the doing, and joy is in the journey. So here goes.

Check out the cool videos I’ll be sharing in the next few days, starting tomorrow! I promise to do my best to show you things that will strike you as revelatory at best, and at least, confusing and weird but kind of thought-provoking. As always, thanks for reading, lovelies!